9:10 a.m. - December 11, 2011
Nothing New
Holy shit somethings never change. I am currently finishing my 1st semester of school at NCCC. Shooting for my accounting degree and then hopefully transferring to UB for my BA.
Thomas moved out in July and is living in a group home for people with mental health. Will is in jail, Joe's girlfriend is pregnant and Tammy still only calls us when she needs something.
Al's mother and aunt passed away within a year of one another. He still hates my kids and we fight about them all the time.
Cassie is now in counseling as she still isolates herself in her room. Robbie is still aggrevating Robbie.
Come to a conclusion that if I wasn't here..the kids could go live with my brother or father and Al could go on his way. Then there would be no more fighting betweeen anyone anymore. I would become a memory and slowly fade away after time and everything would be ok.
Didn't put up a Christmas tree this year because every year shit gets fucked up and the tree gets thrown out the door...so why bother.
My job at the nursing home ceased in July due to the fucking owner losing his business. Now I'm working at Planned Parenthood and not liking it too much. Can't wait to get my AS so I can get a better paying job.
Thought writing all this down would help but I still feel like shit. Idk...just got alot on my mind.
5:37 a.m. - December 26, 2010
Day after Christmas
Well let's see....I am overweight and fell like shit, my sholder hurst so bad that I can't even pick up a gallon of milk. My kids are such assholes and don't appreciate anything. I wish the boy in the basement would leave so I could re-do the basement into another rooming area. I am falling into depression and feel helpless once again. My job sucks ass. This fucker I work for bounces checks and can't pay his bills but blames me when shit can't get done cuz there is no money. It's bullshit. I hate everything right now. I am so fucking broke with 20.00 in my checking account. OK i have money put away and money in my savings but we do owe my dad money when he helped with the funeral expenses with my mother in law. My husband told me that he asked my daughter if she wanted to take some of her money to buy me something special for Christmas and her reply was no. I feel he just told me so that I would go off on her and to hurt me. Did I really need to know that? So needless to say I did pick up my daughter something extra for christmas and did not tell my husband and now I feel like why the fuck would I do that. Why would he even say anything at all to me about that? Fuck today. I've had it with everyone at home and at work. Can't stand shit right now. I wish that I could get hooked on excercising or something. I need to loose weight and hate the way I look and feel. Maybe today I'll try to make that change.
6:10 p.m. - November 28, 2010
no subject...lol
Wish I knew what was wrong with me. I can't stand some people in this house. I wish Thomas would just get a job and quit eating my food, using my electricity and water. Al always states that he would tell him to leave but I would be too worried to and ask him to find him in a couple of days. Try me. That's bullshit. There is just so much less stress when he's gone. Even when he went to his sister's house for a couple of days I felt better. He irks me and I am really having a hard time with him being here. I wish his mother would come and take hime for a couple of months to see what it is really like and deal with him on an everyday basis. It's hard and it's pure bullshit. I don't know. I feel like my kids are our family and Thomas isn't. I hate that I feel like that but I can't help it. I just need to keep my fucking mouth shut. I am sitting here on the couch and as he walks by I look at him with total discuss. Am I going to go to hell for feeling like this. I feel so ashamed. Gosh, I can't even put down feelings without feeling like shit. I am so ashamed by the way that I act towards that boy. But at least I can say that I provide a roof over his head and give him his basic needs. More then his real mother for him. Idk...just benting, just bitching and once in awhile it helps. Not sure if it will this time or not. I don't feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders like I normally do when I write shit down. I'm very angry and trying not to be so fucking mean to my husband. I love him so damn much. He's my rock, my life. I don't know what I would do without him. Enough for now...
10:04 p.m. - February 02, 2010
Same shit different day
Well, lets see. I got fired from the NFTA for some bullshit. I work at a fucking nursing home as a slave driver HR/Payroll/I know you have time to do this person. I hate my job. My ex-husband still has had no contact with his fucking kids. My 9 year old is very angry with life and I swear hates women or just gets off dominating them. My poor daughter thrives for attention and pretends to be people that she isn't. I worry about her so much. She isolates herself in her room and has no friends. I have tried to get her involved in different things but she just has no ambition. The youngest step son quit school, is off his meds and does nothing, not even work because he got fired. My husband says that I am choosing my kids over him. He says things are bothering him that I am doing nothing to change them. When I ask him what I can do he gets pissed, drops the subject for about a week then fights with me all over again. I am failing as a mother, a wife and myself. I feel helpless again and have no one to turn to. I can't talk to my father as he is so fucking passive that he doesn't have an opinion on anything. I have no friends to talk to. I'm so tired of crying all the fucking time that it's getting purly exhausting. I just don't know what to do to save myself from breaking.
7:54 a.m. - June 05, 2009
Just a Note
So I am work. Still at the NFTA. Boy, I read alot of my older entries and was I an angry person. I don't even feel close to those feelings anymore. Thomas is doing good and so is Cassie and Robbie. My relationship with my husband is so much better now then it was back then. I love him so much. Robbie is playing baseball and we are both doing ceramics. I am so proud of that boy. He is totally the sunshine of my life. Cassie is doing Judo and made the honor roll.
Everything is really going good but there is one thing that has not changed one bit....I still hate that cunt Michelle on McCamley.
6:18 p.m. - March 03, 2008
It's Been A While
Ok, haven't written in a while.
Got a new job working for New York State. Doing payroll and accounting. Good benefit package, better pay and a sweet pension plan.
Thomas is still a fucking asshole and I hope he dies. I can't stand him and I hope he moves out like he says he will when he turns 17. Fucking retard. Can't stand him, never hated any kid in my life until I met him.
Filing bankruptcy this month..couldn't dig myself out of the hole. A lesson learned but everything should be ok.
Started golfing at the driving range. I have to find something to do to get out of this hell hole..or yet my house. I bought a set of golf clubs and love to go to the driving range.
Robbie and Cassie still don't talk to their father. Which is a good thing. Yet they both hate Thomas too. Which is also a good thing.
I hate my life because of Thomas..so much that it's consuming. I loath the fact that he breathes the air in my house and eats my food and uses my electricity, gas and water.
The middle step son Will is in Erie County Jail for bullshit. He's looking to get indited by the grand jurty this week, hope he gets ass raped and commits suicide while in their. He's another piece of shit.
So is the step daughter. Can't stand her. Still doesn't have custody of ther daughter but popped out another baby in November. Stupid fat retarded cunt.
Oh and I still hate and want to kill that cunt Michelle...
Well, thanks for reading my rant. I'll try to keep things up to date more.
10:10 a.m. - December 11, 2007
Nothing New
Not a whole lot to say. My link to my picture got fucked up some how and I'm not sure how to fix it.
Got a great job that I start on Monday. Better pay, benefits, pension plan and all that happy horse shit. The job that I'm at is kinda pissed that I'm leaving but when I am going to be making about $12,000 more a year between salary and medical insurance saving, how could I refuse it. I am staying on part time until they find a replacement. I'm ready to leave now.
Reported ex-hubby to New York State Child Support Unit yesterday. I had someone come to my house looking for him for a job. Dummy. He owes me more then $8000.00 in back child support. I gave the guy his current address with a smile on my face.
Christmas is coming too soon. My Cassie turns 13 on Saturday. Bought her some ugly sneakers that she liked. Cost an arm and a fucken leg and torso.
Financials are slowly getting better. This new job will help alot.
Well everyone have a great holiday and a blessed new year.
