8:28 a.m. - May 30, 2007
Slipping, Slipping, Almost Gone
So many things are going through my head right now that I feel like I'm choking on my own life.
Bills suck. I don't understand that all the money that comes into this house, how I get so fucking far behind in the bills. Gas, Cable, Electric, Mortgage, Phone even water are all at least a month behind. Not to mention the student loan that I pay every 3 months. I wonder if someone gave me about $5000.00 to pay up all my bills to date if I could do it and not let them get behind. There are always groceries, you know with the glutens in the house we average about $500.00 a month which is rediculous. Two vehicle payments, car insurance and list fucking never stops.
We have court tomorrow and hubby wants Thomas to come home rather then being placed in a facility because he thinks that he will be in a kiddie prison and that's not where he belongs for mental health issues. I tend to agree with him, but told him how he'll continue the drugs and alcohol when he's out. He can't be trusted to take his medicine. He's 16 right now and if he gets in trouble, he'll go to jail, they won't just knock at the door and bring him home when he gets in trouble anymore. He wants to sit down with probabtion and the DA to discuss options for him that would be best for him. Personally, right now, home is not the best place for him.
The older son, Joe, pissed me off to no end on Monday. He's 19, attends college and works. By doing that he pays no room or board, which I feel is fair. His girlfried is not allowed to spend the night either. They both have been told this time and time again. Well Monday morning, I got up at 5:00am and Joe's car was in the driveway. By 3:00 we realized that Tana, his girlfriend who does not have a car, was over too. Nice. I get up Tuesday for work and at 7:00am they both leave the house. What the fuck. I told hubby and again it was dismissed because my feelings don't fucking matter what so ever. Granted, hubby has a lot on his plate right now with the whole Thomas thing, but Joe knowing the stress, shouldn't of even tried to do that shit. They walked out right in front of me through the front door, as to say fuck you right to my face.
I can't deal without having no one to talk to. I did it to myself but it is really taking a toll on me. Every day I feel myself slipping farther and farther down. Hubby asks me about three times a day what is wrong. I can't even tell him, in fear of an argument of how petty the things are that are bothering me or he changes the subject to make me feel like the things are my fault. I tell him nothing and force a smile on my face. My daughter see's me slipping and it breaks my heart that I can't tell her anything when she asks what's wrong. She's seen me like this before and I think it scares her. She's 12 and already has every day stress of a pre-teen. She doesn't need my stress either.
So here I sit at work, fucked up in the head. I'm ready to go back to the doctor to go back on anit-depressants as they seem to help me cope a smidge. I don't know how to climb out of this hole that I'm in when everyone keeps throwing dirt on me.
