8:34 a.m. - June 28, 2007
What's It Like To Die?
You know, there are some things that I am really scared of. I am scared to die and of being alone. I have been this way all my life. I've been told that as you get older, you accept that you're going to die. There is nothing you can do to stop it.
So this morning I was wondering if it hurts when you die. Of course it would be the method of death that would determine this, but what if someone takes a bunch of sleeping pills and falls asleep. When their heart stops, does it hurt. I don't like pain and I hate to hurt but that's all I've been feeling the past few months.
Is suicide selfish? I think of what my family would go through if I did die. I just don't want my kids going to their father. I sometimes think that is the only reason why I am still here. I just want to be at peace and be alone. If I feel so alone and empty, what good am I doing anyone? I treat people like shit all the time and then expect them to bend over backwards when I have problems. I fall into depression about things that bother me. I guess that's how I deal with things. But somehow that is not acceptable to people. I'm supposed to suck whatever is bothering me and just swallow it.
So I guess right now it's my kids that keep me here. I'm scared of what will happen to me when they get older and they are no longer my obligation in life. I guess only time will tell.
Hubby and I had a major blowout last night and he told his son that he's going to start looking for a place to live in about a year. I told hubby this morning that if that's his plans to start looking now because I was not going to live like this for another year. Waiting for him to leave? Just go in the next few months. He never consold me or said that it wasn't true. So here I sit, at work, crying, again. Not knowing what to make of life or love for that matter. Thank God my kids keep me going, at least for now.
